still kickin’

Contrary to what you probably believe at this point in time, I am actually still alive. It’s just that the various job(s) I attempt to do on a daily basis which include my job outside the home where I try to make some money to contribute to the household and then that job of mother/wife/ruler of the house, have been completely overtaking me and all my time. So by the time my behind actually hits a surface at 11:30 at night when I’ve finished doing everything for everyone else, I have no more energy left in me. Plus? I do my best blog writing when I do my relaxing wine drinking at night, and I haven’t even had the energy to drink. If you’re wondering what’s gotten into me, even I don’t know. Apparently I’m sick with something called “no motivation” and “I’m freakin’ tired as hell” and “write a blog post? Seriously? Just please let me sleep!” Also? The fact that the person I live with who I call my husband snores VERY LOUDLY clearly doesn’t help matters either. It was so bad the other night that I actually wondered what would happen if I accidently smothered him with the pillow he put over his face because I was bothering HIM. I decided against the smothering. Go figure.

Unfortunately, no one has yet to say, “Hey, let me keep your kid for you so that you can sleep.” And, truth be told, even if they did I probably wouldn’t take them up on it because it would make me feel like I was neglecting my child and pawning her off on someone else and “everyone else does it, Valerie, why can’t you?”, and blah blah blah and plus I would miss her so much I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. My reasoning for finally posting months worth of pictures is because it kills me that you are all missing out on Brittain. What she has become. What she is. The joy she brings to all who have the opportunity to be around her.

Right now? She’s laying in bed beside me as I type this and every couple of minutes she gets right up in my face and says, “Mommy. Stop typing. I need a kiss.” Granted, it is 12:05 a.m. and she is completely delirious. But I don’t care. I’m savoring this moment. (And, I know, mother of the year for letting my child stay up until midnight.)

So much has happened since my last blog “report.” I’d like to sum up my time away by telling you that most of the time I feel like I need someone to pinch me. Because while I talk about the reality of motherhood and the difficulties of it and the trials and tribulations that come along with it, the bottom line is that I realize just how fortunate I am and that I would never for a second choose a different life than I have right now. This is good and bad. It’s wonderful that I appreciate my life and I don’t want to change it. But it’s bad in that I have these horrible feelings creep up inside me that make me feel like something bad is bound to happen. I know. It’s bad. It’s a Clark thing, I feel sure.

Anyway, I continue to treasure every second I spend with her because there’s nothing like it. Oh, and the sleep? I don’t care so much about that because just now she just leaned up again to me and said, “Mommy, can I have another kiss?”